Why Torment Someone

Humans are incredibly social beings who need positive relationships. Yet, people quite often harm each other, on purpose. But why is this? Why do people intentionally say the cruelest, most hurtful things to another person? What pleasure do they get from hurting another person? I got hurt, so I’m going to hurt others. Is this attitude a disorder involving a lack of empathy? A lack of proper nurturing?

This behavior has many dimensions. People who act in this manner are succumbing to a combination of factors. Firstly, they have low self-esteem, and feel inadequate or insecure. The idea is that people are more likely to be mean to others when they feel worse about themselves. Secondly, they compare their own lives to those of other people, and experience envy. They are angry seeing others in peace and happiness. It gives them a sense of relief to make someone who is at peace with life, a taste of their never-ending emotional roller coaster of anger and envy. Thirdly, they do not use comparisons as positive motivation. If somebody else has something, or does something, it makes them mad if THEY cannot have it or do it. They are unable to introspect and reflect on their internal workings, and thus cannot change or improve themselves. So they lash out at other people since that’s the only way they can feel good about themselves — by tearing others down i.e. bringing other people down to their level in order to make themselves feel “bigger”. Such mean people really are wounded, tiny and probably threatened. Frightened mice masquerading as roaring lions.

Some always need to be center of attention, and draw any conversation back to themselves, whether this is warranted or not. They probably do this due to ‘control issues’ and in order to control the conversation. Life, for them, is all about “winning” — which is pretty sad, really. These sorts of people see other people’s lives as things to intrude into. It provides them with a false sense of their own power. Especially when the person in front of them is unarmed in knowing how to respond to this behavior.

Unfortunately, many people have remained in highly toxic, abusive relationships because they misjudged the disruption to their lives by such relationship partners. By then the damage has been done and is irreversible. What is needed is putting such people in their proper place in order to protect our own self from people who try to demolish bits and pieces of our life. We have to push a disrespectful behavior right back up their own nose, and give them a good dose of their own medicine.

Being mean is a ‘choice’ made by each individual. A free choice to love or not to love. A choice to care or not to care. A free choice to be respectful or disrespectful.

I would not call it “human nature”, which is what people say when they justify that such behavior is natural and inevitable; I would rather call it by what it is — “animal instinct.”